Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.”

So here we are on the eve of a new round of Michelle Bridges 12wbt, this will be my 4th round. During my first round I entered a local park run event with my Mum 5km and participated with probably eighty others. Something happened that day, I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I felt a sense of dishearten and let down. Nothing went wrong, I showed up, I completed what I went there to do, but I never felt any satisfaction what so ever.

Rewind a few years, two to be exact, a terrible thing had happened in my life, and whilst the onset of how horrible this actually was didn't hit me initially, all most all of a sudden I suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome. This along with diagnosed anxiety meant that what seemed forever in my life I was a very unwell person. Anxiety is a very funny thing, I often describe it to people as an orgasm, if you don't have it or have had an anxiety attack you don't know what you're talking about. This particular period of my life absolutely sucked the life out of me, I was unable to care for myself or my child, I actually did not physically leave my house for a 6 week period, and called on every single person in my world who was willing to step in and pretty much do everything for me. Part of this anxiety meant that I also developed a phobia of driving. For a very long time I refused to drive and couldn't even drive my child to day care even though it was less than 500 metres down the road. Slowly I started driving my Mum around, she would get dropped off after work and I'd drive to a local supermarket or something and we'd buy bits that I needed, though I could never usually be out of the house for longer than 20 minutes or so. We would be at a supermarket and I would literally be clinging on to my Mum sobbing feeling like I was going to die, seems over dramatic, but it's true, and how I felt may not have been in any sense rational , but it was real, I was living this nightmare.

Since that time, lots have changed but something's having never gotten better. I have never ever felt the 'same' since that period in my life and anxiety is something I fight every single day of my life, to the point where some days I really cannot face the world. I'm young, I look normal, I am smart, I'm not unattractive, I have a healthy child, no financial concerns, a loving family, and a great partner, how could someone who has all this be so mentally unwell? I ask myself that every day. One of the things that has remained since this episode in my life is my inability to drive a lone (or with Sophie in the car). I am OK to do short trips as in go to the supermarket, take Sophie to school etc, but venturing out of my suburb/area is very difficult for me. This has resulted in me not doing a lot of things I would love and enjoy doing. 2 and a bit years ago I was the girl who on a Sunday would drive into the city and go on a shopping spree just to get bargains, all by myself without a worry in the world. Now, I can barely do my grocery shopping alone. The illness I live with is something that I have let slowly break me down, most of the time I just exist, then I have little flashes of when I feel like I'm living.

So there I was at Mum's back in February and the registrations for the Mothers Day Classic were up! So what does Emma do? As always it seems like a great idea at the time so I sign myself, my two sisters up and Mum of course! Amanda and Mum are up for the 8km run and Marion and I for the 4km. Straight away Marion laughs and says 'I'm not doing it'. So from that moment I go into instant panic. If Marion isn't doing it, who is going to do it with me? Who is going to drive me there? Who is going to sit in the car with me? It all becomes too much! Even though I am someone who thinks these sorts of events are great, there is no possible way this can happen because Marion won't come with me and Amanda and Mum need to leave our suburb at 7am which would mean getting Sophie out of bed an hour earlier than I need to etc etc, all the fighting in my head starts blah blah blah. The only solution I can fathom at this stage is that I drive into Perth myself. Perth city is about 45km's from where I live and is basically one straight line straight up the free way. So last week comes, awesome I'm injured there is no way I can do it, sorted no worries, nope that injury goes away! So there I am told Mum no Mum I can't do it, of course she says that fine love it's no big deal and even goes as far as saying she won't either and that its fine because it's a great donation to a cause etc and that she will do park run on the Saturday instead. Anyway, I rang Amanda yesterday and she told me they were still going to do it, so I thought right, this is something I instigated, another Fricken thing I instigated and am not going to show up for, all from fear, fear that beats me every single day and here it was beating me again. I thought long and hard and then said 'fuck it' I'm going to go, I'm going to have to drive there and I'm going to have to JFDI. So yesterday I spent the day sourcing a pram to be able to take Sophie along, much to my disappointment I got one almost straight away so that excuse flew out the window. Then there was the parking, and me trying to get Mum to tell me that there wasn't going to be any and that I should probably stay at home. That excuse didn't pan out either. So I went to bed way earlier than I usually did last night and actually fell asleep. My alarm went off this morning and I was wide awake and automatically got butterflies in my stomach, me drive to Perth? It wasn't going to happen. So I sent Mum a cute photo of Sophie still sleeping hoping she'd say aww thats cute don't wake her up, but no nothing, just we will see you when you get there. I walked out to the kitchen, had one of those moments where my mouth was so dry I couldn't actually swallow and was gasping for breath. Then something clicked and said 'Get your shit on, get your kid out of bed and just try'. So I did all that, got Sophie ready got out the door and we were off. I got about 15km's down the road when my stomach started twisting, my palms were sweating over the steering wheel and that was it I was turning around and going home, it was a joke to think I could do this. Something really weird happened next, my Papa drove up alongside me on the freeway and instantly I felt at ease, I was smiling and waving and so was Sophie and we had a little 'beep off' with our horns. Bizarre, and I don't believe in signs etc but it made me just keep going, and I did.

So today not only marks the eve of the next 12 weeks on the program it also marks a very significant day in my world, a day that is rare, where I don't give in to anxiety and I just did it! I did complete the Mothers Day Classic, I wouldn't say it was a great event, even though I got a medal, but it meant the world to me for all the reasons I just mentioned. I can't hide behind anxiety any longer and I can't let it keep beating me, I need to win!! So happy mother's day everyone, it certainly was more than I expected!