The nightmare of finale dress shopping.

Eleven years ago my Aunty, my younger sister and two of my cousins walked in very excitedly to a local bridal store as we were looking for bridesmaid’s dresses for my Aunt’s wedding that was coming up. So in we go, only to be greeted by a woman that was probably best described as a ‘dragon lady’. Automatically my aunty told her that she would like us to wear halter neck dresses, she took one look at me and said ‘Halter neck doesn’t look good with a big bust’.  You can imagine at this point that I already hated the store and her, and like any 18 year old would got my back up pretty much straight away. The thing is, she could have had a sale of four bridesmaids dresses if she had given my aunty some decent customer service, but instead we walked out, pretty shitty after she made a few more comments and all vowed never to go back……………….

So anyway today spur of the moment Maz (my sister) says ‘I’ll come to Sarrishas with you’. I don’t hesitate because let’s face it when you’re looking for a finale dress another set of eyes is the best thing you can have. So off we trot. Now let it be known that I’m not having the best week as it is, I’m bloated, I’m constipated, and I feel as though my insides are going to fall out, but let’s face it, finale is only weeks away and with being so short I’m bound to need some alterations so what better time to get the ball rolling. Plus, this place is like five minutes from my house so why wouldn’t I go take a look, right? So in we walk, and there she is 11 years later Sarrisha, the evil dragon lady, looking just as evil as ever, but must have softened a bit as she actually greets us with a hello. Maz wandered to look at the dresses straight away while I stood and chatted to her. I actually thought that if I let it be known that I had no idea what I was looking for and that I had no budget and was willing to pay whatever she might feel, one, more in control and two, like she could make some cash. Boy was I mistaken. So I tell her why I am there and where I am going and for what, before I’m even within arm’s reach of the dresses she suggests that I come back in a few weeks. Meanwhile Maz is browsing saying things like ‘I like this one, this style is good ‘etc. etc. She then proceeds to ask me what size I am, I reply with ‘I’m not sure I guess 16-18’. She said ‘Right well that’s going to be hard because in here you are at least a 22’. What the actual fuck? Why would I be a 22? Why is that the case? How is that normal? And why hasn’t something been done to change that? Like seriously what if I was a size 26 and wanted a formal dress? Could I just not get one??? So anyway, after some rambling I finally just asked if I could try some on to get an idea of sizing and style. She said yes, but really didn’t want me to. She gave me a few to try on, and then would say stuff like ‘I don’t have that in your size’ ‘I can’t get that in your size’ ‘No matter what you are going to have to have any dress you buy taken up and alterations done’. God I was so over it I mouthed to Mazzy ‘I want to go’. I was consumed with anxiety and wanted out of there. As we walked away again, I said to myself ‘I am never going back there’, but this time I mean it. Plus, on top of all that her dresses were shit house.

Maz suggested we go check out a shop in a shopping centre, I agreed so off we went. In the car on the way there I was nearly going to tell Maz to turn around and take me home, what if they don’t fit? What if they not only don’t fit but have no chance of fitting by finale? What if the store girl is a moll? So we got some water I sucked it up and off we went. Thank god too, because the moment we stepped in the girl was lovely. She basically said what do you need we told her we had no clue and we were willing to try anything. She even made me feel semi human when I pointed out a dress I like and she suggested I tried a size smaller as she didn’t think it would fit!! Anyway, I tried on a heap of dresses there, and eventually bought one in the size I thought I was all a long, a dress, from a boutique in a size 16! Thanks to my awesome sister for bringing me mountains of dresses and being extremely honest.

Anyway, so we made our way to get sumo salad for lunch, all that shopping makes you hungry!! I said to her I wish there were more shops around where I could just fit into stuff and not worry. Then I was like, fuck it, what’s the worst that can happen, they don’t fit? So off I marched to Portmans, which for me is one of those shops that are fashionable and quality, we found a cute little party dress, and what do you know it zipped like a glove!! I fricken fit in a Portmans dress!!!!!!! Then Maz suggested we had a look in Jacqui E, that’s not a shop I’d even heard of let alone would ever have considered buying from or going into. Off we went in there, and there I saw it, the exact style of dress I want, and now am on a mission to HAVE!! I have my finale look in my head, and I’m not stopping until I get it LOL!!! But I won’t go on that mission for another few weeks when I’m a little bit smaller and hopefully not feeling as bloated as I do today!!!! I’m confident that I’ll be comfortable in this style. But for now, I have a brand new LBD that’s a size 16 and that will get used by me, and probably Maz!!

SSS, Consistency and other stuff

It's the one thing I've never really paid much attention to, in my opinion it doesn't fit in with the notion that we should be changing our lifestyle to reflect something that is sustainable in the long run , therefore my SSS efforts over the past 4 rounds have been rather pathetic, in fact I think I can count the amount I've done on one hand, how contradictive of me when I'm constantly encouraging others to trust in and follow the program to see results. The truth of the matter is, I've never done an SSS and felt great afterwards. I'm sitting here right now with a pounding headache , I'm dizzy and feel as though at any moment I could just pass out, how's that rewarding? But , yet again , today I committed and burnt 1072 calories. I did a total of 8kms on the treadmill which included a couch to 5km session , hill walks on an incline of 15 and a promise to my self I would at no time let the speed go below 6.5. Then after all that I did 3 rounds of my OneActive weight bar DVD , followed but an sets and a cool down. So 2 hours later and I got my burn! There I did it , will I do it again? Probably not! Why? Because i don't en joy it for starters, it's time consuming, though the time restraint isn't an issue at the moment long term it is not realistic on a weekly basis and most importantly I feel like shit now and will not do any form of exercise that may jeopardize me doing a different kind. I'm already thinking about my combat class I have planned for tomorrow and hoping I feel ok to go! 

This week the scales can get fucked. I'm a daily weigher I've never made that a secret and the pros out weigh the cons as to why I keep doing it. So anyway if there was ever a week I was being a perfect 12wbt'er it's this one, yet those bastards are giving me no joy!! I talked with my friend Ange, a fellow 12wbt'er and she worked out to get to my long term goal I need to lose 700grms a week, breaking it down made it less overwhelming , less stressful and seem more achievable , so they better hurry and catch up! 

So this round I really am going to finale but I'm starting to really freak out. What will I wear? What will I say? I'm actually extremely average and rather boring! Will I be ridiculously overwhelmed by the crowds and freak out? Will I have a panic attack and most of all how many hideous photos will show up of me on Facebook ? I'm tipping a few. I'll have my mum and that's probably the best thing!! Oh and I have nothing in my that's going to work in disguising my gunt 

Ive been pretty consistent this round, keeping in mind being consistent doesn't mean being perfect!! Consistency gets the job done but it's soooooooo boring! When you go from being lazy to following the program you have stuff to shout about, when you're consistent it's same shit different day lol!! but yes, don't worry I know consistent is better!!

So life's pretty mellow I feel pretty in control at the moment! I'm heading away for four nights on 27th which will be the big test!!! 

Peace out #D30

Guilt of a fatty

I don't even want to write a blog post this week, but I didn't write one last week, and I keep reminding myself this round is all about consistency. Who the hell am I to even know what consistency means? I wrote the definition somewhere, I can't remember it though, because if I did I wouldn't keep telling myself it's doing the same thing over and over. Truth is, life is being lived way beyond the 12wbt perimeters for me at the moment, and to be quite frank it's the last thing on my mind. In saying that though, I've been sticking to my calories, but not giving a whole lot of a shit about it.

Since my daughter was about 8 months old I knew there was something not quite right happening with her, she would just stare into space for what seemed like ages, but was probably no more than 40 seconds. Of course I took her to the doctor straight away, but was brushed off. These 'spells' started becoming more frequent at some point late last year, so again I took her to the DR and pretty much demanded she see a paediatrician and be referred to some sort of neurological doctor. To cut a long story short, on Thursday it was confirmed that my 5 year old has epilepsy. Everyone I've told so far, which isn't that many have all said the same thing 'Oh you know its fine, so many people have it, it's really manageable'. That is all really true information, for some reason, I really don't understand why I feel immense guilt. There is significant evidence indicating that forceps deliveries can cause a child to have epilepsy (that's how Sophie was delivered) and I keep thinking to myself, what if when they wanted to give me a C Section I had just let them instead of demanding a 'natural' birth? I know I can't change time, but now my child has this neurological disease that requires me giving her foreign medicine twice a day and none of that sits well with me.

So tonight is the first time she's had the drug that's been prescribed 'Epilim' and of course in order to get her to swallow it I had to pin down my 5 year old, block her nose and literally force her to take it. It's emotionally draining on both of us and it's not something that is enjoyable. This really weird thing happens when you become a single parent, you automatically overcompensate with your child. You have all those intuitions that you have when you're in a 'real' family and then some on top. Your protection emotionally and physically of them becomes intense, almost a co-dependent relationship is formed. So I feel guilty that Sophie has Epilepsy so automatically I go into this mode of making sure every base is covered, and freak at the slightest indication that my child is suffering, to the point where a little girl at her school called her gross the other day and I busted that kid, that's not something I would normally do.

Guilt is a funny thing, it's an emotion I think I bare deep down into my soul, one that probably will never leave me, and heck I could probably start my own religion based on the amount of guilt trapped inside me. This week I don't want to eat, I don't want to exercise, I don't really want to do anything, I just want my child to be safe and loved and 'normal'. Time won't stop for me I get that, the sun will rise another day, I get that, and maybe I'm just fearing the unknown.

I'm also really unwell at the moment and my tooth pain is intense, it's also exam week at uni so the stress is on there. I'm sorry this blog isn't more entertaining or goal oriented or success oriented, but it's what has really gone on this week.