Finding Inspiration in Fear

Can fear be a form of motivation?

Throughout this entire journey I've struggled to find things that so call 'inspire' me and that make me want to be healthy and lose weight. This week as part of the 12wbt weekly challenge we were asked to create an inspiration board. Typical Emma, straight away did research and went through everyone else's inspiration boards, of course looking at ways to do my own, without just figuring out what it was I found inspirational. The cold hard truth? There is not a whole lot I gain inspiration from in regards to health and fitness and a sustainable lifestyle. Things I find inspirational include, humanitarians, highly educated people who constantly learn and find joy in learning, women within communities that seek change etc. That's my kind of inspiration, and that's kept me safe for a long time. So it's come to this, in regards to health and lifestyle and 12wbt what the heck inspires me?

So many people have pictures of women in bikinis, women lifting weights in gyms, running pictures, photos of great clean food etc etc,  oh and not to mention the mountain of inspirational quotes also pictured. I am not taking anything away from what another person finds inspirational and completely acknowledge the fact that each person's journey is their own and that we are all completely at different stages, but for me, none of these things are enough to put into an 'inspirational' category. For those who have seen me around, know that from the start the word inspiration for me has been one that I have never quite grasped.

So, because I knew from doing a number of previous rounds that the inspiration board would be one of the first tasks to complete, I started early on, before the round had even started I got my piece of card, Mum printed out some 'inspirational' pictures and quotes for me and there I was ready to create an inspiration board, but for what? And for who? This board wasn't reflective of inspiration it was a series of inspirational quotes I goggled on the internet and pictures of my former self. So I did it, I created this board and went, 'great, looks just the same as the rest, and I'm not like the rest, I'm Emma and this board is shit, and I'm better than that.'

So on Saturday night I couldn't sleep, I was racking my brain for things that 'inspire' me. I all of a sudden was over powered by this extreme anxiety; my brain could not comprehend being 5 foot nothing weighing in the not so distance from 100 kilos and being old. I mean seriously, this is what freaked me out, to the point where I was playing scenarios over in my head, you know the old people that fall over in the shower? Imagine being 100 kilos and falling over in a shower, imagine being 100 kilos and having a fall and breaking your hip, imagine being 100 kilos and having to hold yourself up on a walking frame? Imagine getting to being 'old' and not living a life that was healthy and kind to your body; imagine getting old and not respecting your health enough. Imagine being a young woman and staring the older you in the face and having to see what that would look like? This is all playing through my head! So there it is, it's simple, but in my opinion it's valid. My inspiration is lifelong health. I understand that you cannot choose some diseases etc that occur , but I am also very aware that if you conduct your life in such a way where you are kind and loving to your body in regards to lifestyle choices revolving around health, nutrition and fitness you have a better chance of recovering quicker than if you don't.

My inspiration is drawn from people who make a conscious effort to live a healthy lifestyle, that don't live their lives from one health program to another and that understands and lives what we all already know. I am using 12wbt as a means to get me there. I've had 29 years of not being perfect, I've had 5 of not being the best role model as a parent, but for now, my inspiration is to be similar to those that inspire me. My fear inspires me.