The SHIT that comes with starting over

So here I am, look at that, what a fricken genius, two days I've managed to be 'consistent'. Being consistent meant stripping back to basics for me. So I did it, I woke up, I ate 1200 healthy calories, I did a little exercise, I slept and I did it all again. Two days of consistency, after 14 of being a complete toss pot!!

Wanna know the shit thing about starting over? Literally the shit. My body has quite possibly gone into flush mode of all the crap its been storing and the exercise and water intake , as well as the vegie intake over the last few days has contributed to me spending quite a bit of time running to the toilet today! Is the 14 days of being a toss pot with food and exercise worth this feeling? Goodness no!! I remember just before I commenced my first ever round, and I am completely guilty of the 'I may as well eat it because its the last time I can' mentality and then bang two days into it same thing!! Its gross, it hurts, Im bloated and Ive wasted too much time in the toilet :) .............Gross I know, but just saying!

How else has consistency been working for me. Well, I've been organized, which is a nice feeling. Its a sense of control, you know what you're doing you know what needs to be done and because you've planned and organized your shit, its easy to execute! Same old things for me, my house is clean, my freezer is full, my child is great, my partner is happy, and all in the world is fine. How can this be possible just from me being organized and structured? Because, I dont feel worthless. I actually said the words out loud to my sister last week when I was in toss pot mode I said 'I feel fat and worthless' and I was being honest. I owe it to myself to maintain this consistency, to be structured, I cant live such a manic existence and expect those around me or me to be at all on the same page, when Im chopping and changing my own at rapid speed. The consistent Emma is the one I like , the one that isnt scared to say no and the one that knows what she wants.

I also havent over thought anything this past two days. The food is there, the exercise DVD, treadmill, or my Mum and sister are there for a walk. They are no longer the biggest part of my day, I refuse to contemplate them now, they are simply there and there for the taking. They are now apart of something that needs to be done on a consistent basis.

So tonight Im not feeling physically well, but my mental wellness is far better than it was last week. Its like that feeling you get when you dont exercise for ages and then you do and you kick yourself for ever stopping because you remember how good it felt, thats where Im at, Im kicking myself for not being structured because it feels so good. The reality is, it took me about 4 hours to cook all the food and clean up after it, and the reality is the exercise is an hour, 4% of my day...........thats as plain and simple as it is. Heres the thing, I dont own excuses, I have none, I have bad anxiety and thats about as much of an excuse as I have that stops me doing all this, but anyone with anxiety knows that great food and exercise is the best thing for it! I can afford the food and if I couldnt my parents would cook it for me, I have a partner who 100% supports what I do, I have a child who knows what exercise is and likes the creche or staying with her Grandad while I do it, and 4% of my day is easily dedicated to exercise. I actually dont know what it is that stops me. I dont think Im lazy, but maybe I am, Im really not sure I've never really thought about it. I am definitely depressed, and quite possibly thats what it is, but for now, its basics, its the consistency method, its the dont think about it method. As long as my food is in the freezer all is well, what puts the food in the freezer? Organization!

P.s I dont know why I rambled, the whole point of this post was to warn people not to go nuts, stick to the program dont go off it because when you go back on you may feel as sick as I do!